Attraction as Expression

What is a person with no sense of self? A vague and broken creature. A pushover  that has nothing to offer, nothing to give, and nothing to be loved. Sincerity is the result of a self actualized individual. Someone who simply does what they are told is not capable of sincerity.

Think of how this relates to love and relationships with others in general. Are we in love with a cultural standard or an individual? Do we find confidence or submission attractive? These are vital question to be asked because what we are attracted to shows a great deal about ourselves.

Most of my readers are from Utah, and can probably relate to the mentality of many girls around here of "I will only marry a returned missionary" (men in the church at the age of 19 go on "missions" for two years to "preach" the "gospel" to put it simply).  Think about how interesting that is. The girl is not setting up a standard that has anything to do with personality, but culture.  In other words, they are in love with the cultural standard, not the individual.

This is just one clear example but there are many other ways that we tend to become attracted to social standards rather then individuals.  If you will only date a "hot" girl then clearly you are in love with the cultural standard of "hotness" not the individual. However this is not the point of this blog and I have written about it before in 'Concerning Stereotypes of Women'.

The point I am trying to make can probably best be put in the form of a question: Are we attracted to an individual person, who has great qualities and strives to be something more? Or are we attracted to something else?

I am sure most of us think that we are attracted to people with great qualities but I would ask you to reexamine that belief.

A personal example that I can give is that in my teens my first dating experiences were with people who lacked any self confidence or self respect. The interesting question to ask, but one that  rarely is, would be, why did I date people who didn't have anything to offer me? I believe the answer was because I had very little self respect also, and being with someone who did have self respect would have been uncomfortable.

There were many reason for this I am sure, but we won't get into all of that just now. The main point is that what we are attracted to shows a lot about who we are. I am sure we have all heard it before "girls only like jerks" "nice guys finish last" or "guys only like air heads". We complain about this but never really think about what it means. Why does a certain girl only like jerks?  Why does a certain guy only like air heads? But the most useful question I believe that we can ask is, why am I attracted to X? Is X something I truly admire? Is X truly a good thing for me? I would suggest thinking about the people that you have dated or been involved with.  See any patterns? Do you like these patterns? I think these are very important things to ask yourself.

Perhaps something even more interesting to ask, is "why am I NOT attracted to X, even though X is something I truly admire".

I am sure we can all relate "so and so is a great person, but..." Maybe there is a valid reason why you are not a attracted to a certain person, but is an interesting thing to think about. That if there is certain things you truly admire about someone, but you date/get involved with people who don't meet up to the standards of what you think a good person is then I think you are saying something about yourself.

What is it that we are attracted to? And why? Individuality or conformity? Confidence or low self esteem? Intelligence or the lack there of? 

It is truly a sad thing if we believe that what we love and what we believe we have to do are two different things... Understanding yourself is the only way to set yourself free.